Who am I?

 

Am I still the sick girl since I have been all my life?

 

Or am a Phoenix rising from the ashes of of hellish torture?

 

Fortunately I am choosing the Phoenix.....I always wanted to fly.....so here goes.

 

Age 33 was lovely......divorced, bankrupt and losing both my homes, while I worked my ass off for. None of this due to be being lazy. I worked 5 jobs to try to get our mortgages paid through the recession. Basically I allowed men to live off of me during those years for money. I chose to take it so I knew what I was doing. I was buying LOVE. I bought over $100,000 worth of love from one man and ended up with nothing. No voice, no power, no money, no kids, no husband, no dreams. Too many dreams had left....I was a shell of woman with only despair and everyone looking at me like I am an idiot since I bailed him out of all his debt while I worked for it.

 

I would put my feet in buckets of ice after working all day. I had so many surgeries on my feet that it was torture to be standing on them all day.While the man in my life did nothing.

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Realizing at age 33 my soul was crushed in ways I couldn't even imagine. My dreams ran out and no way to take care of myself since my health problems were escalating and the economy was horrible at the time. No apology, no love....just me left.

 

34- Met the love of my life! But before I knew it I was ripping him to shreds in my head on our first date. Like every woman does if the guy is too nice. Every woman I know anyway.

 

A loud voice screamed in my head at the dinner table "Just shut the hell up and enjoy your dinner! He just drove your butt all the way up to Seattle to your favorite restaurant....just enjoy the company and be polite." 

 

At that point i submitted and said ok I will just ditch him after dinner,  but have fun in meantime.

 

Once he kissed me it was all over......I love this man so much my heart aches all the time with love for him. This is the true love I had always been searching for. Seeing him as a Father to his boys made me fall even more in love with him.

 

This man has truly helped me find the way to me. The real Jessica without sickness. The girl always hiding her true self only showing what she thought others wanted to see to make them happy. Never realizing in the end she was always left unhappy and none came to rescue her like she did for so many others.

 

So then I turned 38 and spent well over $100,000 to get pregnant or adopt. It was a shit show how that all went down. Anyone who knows me knows this was impossible. Hardly able to keep my body up at this point as the pain was increasing big time daily. I was beyond desperate but just kept doing what I always do...acted my way into saying I am fine. I would sob through the day and night silently from pain.....never ending pain. I would beg God to help me. My pain grew so intense I would have no other choice than to sit there for hours. 

 

My husband would call to check in on me and I would say I was working. I had so much guilt already that I couldn't possibly tell him I did nothing and just laid there...I am not going to be like my ex and just put everything on his plate. Hell no. I worked hard for my plate and I wanted to handle it myself.

 

I will never forget the news of being diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Hit me so hard....silently plotting my suicide. That's what my Dad did so may as well follow....his chronic pain ate him alive.

 

But once my doctor calmed me down I felt better thinking well at least I have insurance to cover it. I finally after 38 years of pain know WHY! 

 

Ya no such luck. Insurance doesn't cover that disease and don't forget this is the disease that makes you look crazy and people will accuse you of faking it. Awesome......now what?!

 

And.....that's when I took matters into my own hands. 

 

I was so far down the hole of despair at that point all I could see was black. Black sticky tar.....dragging my body through it.  Screaming at me to keep moving because if I stop moving I won't be able to get back up.

 

I knew suicide was not the answer. My Mom already lived through my Dad's suicide....can't do that to her.

 

Walking up all night never having sleep taught me just how much I needed to love myself. I sobbed for hours and days and days sobbing out all the trauma to let this shit go once and for all. I had no clue how much my body held onto trauma.

 

I chose LIFE

 

I chose LIGHT

 

I chose to rise like the PHOENIX

 

I slowly started to see myself for who I really was.....a scared girl too afraid to show herself. Not the bitch I made myself out to be. Y

 

This blog is about my path and the many crazy ways I learned to heal when I took matter into my own hands to become my own Doctor.