Divine Masculine and Feminine

****Feeling the urge to share this from my book I wrote a few years ago......balancing the divine masculine and feminine in my body was very important for me to move forward in my life as a fully healed woman and Mother.***

I had a visit from a beautiful soul who always comes as a butterfly today. She said she’s excited for me to be her momma. She says her name is Cora.

I can’t begin to explain this feeling. A feeling of so much trust and faith that no one can tell you differently.

When God first told me about the baby coming, I didn’t want to tell anyone out of fear I was crazy. Then I thought, Well, that’s dumb! if you did get pregnant, no one would believe that God told you that you would, so just say it now and risk it all. Once again, I’m gambling on the rose.

So the following week, when I had lesions and hemorrhoids all over my pelvic floor area, I was pissed. Beyond angry! I laid down and dived into the pain, asking why?! Why?! Why God?!

The memory of my father’s hand going down my pants began surfacing. I wanted to push the memory away. More memories of the pieces being put together....so many fractured memories.

I realized I blocked these memories out. The molestation started at age 4. As these memories surfaced, the lesions were throbbing with pain.

God showed me why I never liked having sex in previous years, I even had boyfriends tell me I acted like I was sexually abused. This made me try to act more normal; I just wanted to be normal so bad.

My soul is fine with this trauma. I’m sad, of course, but know in my soul that this is a choice. I can live with forgiveness and go on to help other, or I can stay sick as hell.

The memories kept coming and my body was ramping up with awful pain. I’m used to pain but this was debilitating. Mike tried to give me a hug and my body flew back so fast it shocked me.

My body has NEVER been acknowledged for this trauma. Never heard…never seen…just forgotten.

I realized also why I wasn’t able to get over my father’s death. I always wondered why it ripped my heart out to the point of driving me to suicide. I learned that my body processed his death as losing a lover as well as a father. It makes me gag now to think that, but I also have forgiven myself for not knowing any different.

Ashamed, I told Mike what was going on. I went into a three-hour meditation and asked God to give me guidance and heal the traumas so I could thrive.

God said I needed Mike’s help to restore the divine masculine that was taken from me at such a young age.

When Mike helps me, he always need directions, so when I told him, “Hey, Mike, God says you know what to do,” that was hard. He normally would laugh but he could tell I was dead serious.

To my surprise, my husband took charge. The only thing I said that God said we needed was red roses.

He blew me away. He started out by having me breathe during the meditation. Then he read these traits.

• courage

• provider

• strength

• long-term vision

• servant

• discipline

• protector

He beautifully explained that each trait was filling me with the divine masculine.

He put candles around me in a circle with family photos, restoring me to a perfect balance of divine feminine and masculine.

I discovered my little 4-year-old girl for the first time that night. She was a part of me but she was fractured off of me. She was hiding in a corner, crying. I tried to hold her, but she snapped at me.

I felt awful this little girl in me was never acknowledged. I just kept pushing her back in her corner, since I never wanted to truly love me and figure out why I didn’t love me.

The following day, I called my mom and asked her to come over and be with me.

I pushed my mother away when I was raped and never told anyone. I told her I am giving her a redo to be there for her daughter now. I said I was sorry for not allowing her to be my mom during those years.

We sobbed for hours. There’s nothing better than my Momma’s love.

My little girl felt safe enough to come out that day and have her mom hold her and tell her it’s okay; the truth is out. I hear you. I see you. I love you.