The River

The longer I am here at the river.... The more I am realizing that my body never healed from sexual trauma. My soul may have healed through this journey....but not my body. I’m realizing they are disconnected. My husband and I had an argument last weekend and I found myself sliding into a PTSD attack shaking and lashing out. After camping , soul searching and cleansing my soul at the river I was able to realize that my four-year-old little girl inside of me is still screaming for help. It’s as if she just never stops screaming in pain. Like she’s still left broken and alone. A little girl that loved her Father so much all she wanted to do was please him yet it was never enough. She kept screaming why why why would he do this to me why would my own father do this?!?!? Why would he leave me with physical pain for my entire life. I find it interesting that I can forgive the man who raped at age 12 yet this one my body can’t forgive yet. But I’m realizing this was downloaded into my Father. it was downloaded into me and I’m the one that chose to break the cycle. There were many others in my lineage molested before me. Part of breaking the cycle is telling the truth at all times about how you feel. You come off crazy people think you’re nuts that you’re seeking attention blah blah blah. But I do know that the truth will set you free no matter what it is. And anyone who thinks someone is crazy who’s had massive trauma done to them and has never walked one step in their shoes has no right to judge anyone. Hardest part for me at this time is the physical pain that I have in my pelvic area I’ve had all my life. I didn’t realize it was emotional pain as well as scar tissue bound in my muscles. The more my muscles release the more emotions come out. After hours of sobbing I told my little girl that it’s going to be OK to not worry I’m here to protect her. I see you baby girl. I share this journey mainly because it has spun me in so many directions that it’s not an easy thing to describe. So if someone came up to me and said how did you heal from your sexual trauma it would be a very long explanation .....it’s not that easy. I would say it’s like peeling and onion for years. Layer after layer. And just when you think you’ve hit the last layer that’s the point when I completely have a meltdown and go crazy into the past and flip out. Which leaves me wanting to quite working on myself. But once I discover which layer of the onion just came off I am able to move it out and find more peace. I’m finding my body is calmer and calmer with each healing. I am continuing to do the work on myself that is needed to fully heal once and for all....I will never give up.